Planning a Funeral .. instead of a Nursery

It's painful for me to write this knowing that I never took the time to announce our excitement when we found out on March 24 that we were expecting a baby.  

Bill and I were elated to see a positive pregnancy test and to know that we were going to have the joy of becoming parents,  After some cramping in the beginning, I began to worry that we wouldn't make it through. We were able to see our precious baby moving around inside of me during our 10 week ultrasound, and when we met with the doctor for the first time she said, "well, looks like your other ovary is working!" and she sounded so excited.

At 14 weeks, the doctor was able to find the heartbeat right away and it sounded so strong.  I was beginning to think that we were getting to the safe zone of pregnancy. 

On Friday, June 17, we had the joy of finding out this baby was a GIRL!  Bill was so proud that he was right, and I was SO excited to have the joy of having a daughter of my own.  At this point, at almost 16 weeks, I was starting to allow myself to get excited that this dream of becoming a mother was really going to come true.  

At 17 weeks, we headed to Disney World with Jen and Chris.  This was my first experience there, and Bill and I were thrilled to use Minnie to help us announce to the world that we were having a girl. We couldn't wait to get that picture taken, so everyone could find out. I still didn't want to buy too much of anything while we were down there because there was something inside of me that kept asking, "what if she's not still a girl at our next appointment", so we just ended up buying her one stuffed animal. 

We went to the dr. at 18 weeks and 2 days.  Besides gaining a few pounds (thanks to vacation), everything looked great.  The doctor found her heartbeat right away and it was soo strong.  The appointment seemed easy, and I even made that comment to the dr.  Her response was, "they do seem easy when everything is healthy.  Keep doing what you're doing."  This was so reassuring to me to know that losing 87 lbs had led me to having a healthy pregnancy.  I never dreamed I would hear those words come from a doctor, and it was a moment of pride for me to know that all the hard work with weight watchers was worth it because out of this, we were going to get our own precious baby girl.  


Then comes 19 weeks 5 days ... 
It all started as a normal day.  We'd been to the Y to workout, went to school to hang posters and try to get my room ready, and back home just to relax.  I was getting ready to take a shower when I noticed something wasn't right (I will spare you the details). I immediately called Bill into the room and made a phone call to the doctor's office. They decided to have me come to the office instead of straight to the ER because I wasn't quite 20 weeks.  Unfortunately, my doctor was on vacation, so I had to see her partner.  He was very nice and handled it well, but it just isn't the same as seeing your own doctor especially when I'd been through so much with her within the last year...

I was "diagnosed" with cervical incompetence and sent straight to the OB floor to basically go through the process of labor and deliver our precious girl.  The first nurse comes in asking many questions.  Do you want to see her?  Do you want to hold her?  Do you want to name her? Do you know what funeral home to use? Here are some options .... THAT is very hard to wrap your head around.  

Sitting in the hospital room waiting was very hard for me.  I didn't know what to do, what to expect, or even what to think.  

I was given that option to take a pill to help speed up the process of labor which I took. About 9:45 pm, I was given a pill to swallow to help this process get started.  I was unaware how fast anything would happen and still didn't even have an IV or anything. Within 15 minutes, I began having contractions, so I called for pain meds.  The first nurse came to start an IV .. two attempts of poking and digging ... nothing.  She left to get someone else .. 

Contractions are still happening fairly close together ... the second nurse comes in to start an IV ... two attempts of poking, digging, and trying to tell me to relax at a point that I really couldn't ... and ... nothing.  She left to go get someone else. 

I got up and began walking around.  I was in pain, annoyed, hungry (because I was on a clear liquid diet) and this baby wasn't waiting.  It was GO time.  I told Bill, he called the nurses, and in they came.  

After some struggles and no pain meds, our precious Kendyn Kathryn Miller was born at 11:08 pm. She was such a perfect and precious little baby.  I'm amazed at the sight of her perfect little features from her nose to her ears to her finger nails.  My heart was so full of love and sadness all wrapped up into one moment.  Here we are, Bill and I, able to lay eyes on this precious miracle of ours.  This is a child that came from us ... that we created together.  She had a Roe mouth and a Miller head.  I just love her soooo much.  It's a moment of pride to show off your own child and a moment of heartbreak to know it will be so short lived. 

Kendyn was a fighter.  Her little heart continued to beat for about an hour and a half.  We had her in the room the entire time showing her as much love as we could in that little time we had her with us.  I just wanted to stare at her.  This precious miracle that made me a Mom. 

I'm still so very sad that I'm not sure the exact time her heart stopped beating, and I can't even say for sure that I was the one holding her at that moment.  What I do know is that she was in the arms of someone who loved her dearly, and that's all that matters. 

We were able to take pictures of her thanks to Chrissy and our phones.  For now, Bill and I are choosing to keep those pictures as our own.  We have shared some with close friends and family, but we don't feel these are pictures we want the "world" to see.

They took her from us when I was taken downstairs for a D&C.  When I came back to the room (at 2:30 am), we were asked if we wanted her back with us.  We said no and tried to sleep for a little bit.  We were up by 5 and Bill and I were able to have another hour with our precious girl before we had to say "goodbye for now". 

It was at 5am, we were asked to make a decision about a funeral home.  How do you even begin to decide?  They gave us options .. and we just chose one.  

Leaving that hospital was hard.  The hardest thing I've done in my entire 30 years on this earth.  Here we are walking out with a box of "things" while our precious girl is there ... 

20 minutes after arriving home, we get a call from the funeral home wanting to meet with us. I was not prepared for that, but deep down, I knew it was what needed to be done.  

That brings us to today .. Monday.  We have planned a funeral for our daughter and chose a final resting place for her body. This is NOT what we should be doing right now ... I mean we just bought a crib less than a week ago and put it together to begin planning her nursery. 

Her service is planned for Thursday.  Bill and I have decided to keep it small just for family.  We treasure this precious life that we were given and want to celebrate her with our closest family members at our side. 

The best part about her burial plot is that from there you can see the ball diamonds that my siblings and I used to play on as children and where my Dad served on the Northwest Baseball Board.  I just can't help but think of my Dad while being there.  That helps ease the pain...

At this time, Bill and I are coping with this as best we can. I am so very thankful to have him by my side to walk this path with me. As horrible as this situation is, it is making our marriage stronger and that is important to us.  We both know that we must rely on each other to get through these tough times. 

I also try to remain as positive as I can.  I feel like in just 30 years on this earth, my life has had it's share of road blocks, but I am still here today to speak of them.  I have no other choice but to keep moving forward. 

I told Bill yesterday that we are blessed.  Blessed because there are some couples who are unable to even create a child.  Bill and I were able to create this precious girl that we spent about at total of 3 hours with.  She is beautiful and we were able to see parts of each other in her.  We feel blessed that God allowed us to have time with her. 

We also find comfort in knowing that Kendyn is being well taken care of in Heaven.  She has two Grandpas who I can only believe were jumping at the chance to get their hands on her.  They will love her and snuggle her along with many, many, MANY other loved ones who have made it to Heaven before us.  

Kendyn is the lucky one.  She only had to spend mere hours in this world before she was given the best blessing of all by going to spend eternity with Jesus.  That is comforting and knowing that we will see her again someday.  

I will hold your hand so close to my heart until we meet again, My Sweet Girl!