Molly Bears

Shortly after Kendyn was born and passed, my sister informed me of a non profit organization called Molly Bears.

This is an organization created by a family who suffered the loss of a baby.  Their mission is to help comfort grieving families who have lost babies by providing them with a custom bear that is the same weight as the baby they lost. I found them on facebook and began looking into what I needed to do to get my hands on one of these bears.  

Now, this is a very,very popular organization.  I found out these bears can only be ordered by the parents who lost a child and it is only a $20 fee to the family.  They only take 125 orders on the 30th of every month, and boy, do they go fast!  We were THRILLED to get our name on the waiting list on July 30.  We were waiting by the computer at the exact moment that the order form opened to ensure that we would make the list.  

We completed the form.  There was a comment portion to let the maker know something that reminded you of your child, so they could make this bear custom for you.  After our trip to Disney and using Minnie to help us announce the gender, I had to put Minnie.  Bill chimed in and said "Supergirl".  He had already bought her a supergirl dress.  As I clicked 'order', I was a little worried about what this bear would look like.  We were then notified that it is a 6- to 8 month waiting period to get your bear.... so we started our waiting process.  

Mid October, I received an email to confirm our order and recheck all information that was sent.  After replying, I received another email stating the bear would be shipped by Dec 16, which meant we would have it in time for Christmas.  I was thrilled! 

I was even more excited when I received an email in early November saying our bear had shipped!! 

On November 10, Bill's Birthday, our Molly Bear package arrived.  Bill had a basketball game that night, so I (not so patiently) waiting to open the box until he got home.  It felt like Christmas morning, opening this gift that we were soooo anxious to see.  

We pulled it out, and instantly fell in love. 

This is the PERFECT mix of Minnie and Supergirl.  I can't even begin to explain the emotions that came on when I held this bear that night. This 12.2 oz bear that represented my tiny, precious baby girl that I was only able to hold for a few short hours.  Tears came to my eyes as I held this bear and it brought be back to July 14 and 15.  Never would I have imagined that this bear could do that to me. 

Our Kendyn bear is now tucked safe in the crib where Kendyn would've been sleeping had we brought her home.  We plan to keep this bear in the nursery to remind us that she is watching over us and our future babies.  

I can't thank Molly Bears enough for providing us with this comfort.  There are days I just go in there and hold that bear for comfort.  Since I won't be able to hold my baby until I reach Heaven's gate, this Kendyn bear will get me through. 

If you know of anyone who has suffered from child loss, please refer them to this organization.  It's one of the best! 

Year One

Here we are.  One year of marriage... one year of being a Miller.

I've always heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest....

Well our year was hard, very hard, but I do have to say that Bill and I have grown so much over this year in our lives and in our love. 

Our first year has been a roller coaster full of emotions. 

-December - We celebrated our first Christmas in our new home and had our Moms and my Grandma over for breakfast on Christmas morning. 

-March - Bill had minor surgery to remove a cyst and we were ELATED to find out we were pregnant! 

-May - We both finished the school year and started summer together.

-June - We went to Disney (my first time) with Jen and Chris on a belated honeymoon and used Minnie to help us announce IT's A GIRL! 

-July - This was a very rough one for us. On July 14 we went from thinking our pregnancy was going great to hearing our pregnancy was ending.  We gave birth to our first child, Kendyn Kathryn at 11:08pm.  We officially became a family of three and enjoyed every single second we spent with our girl. I'll be forever grateful for that time that we was spent with her and all she knew in her short life here was love .  The next week we had to go plan her funeral and bury our baby.  Just heartbreaking.  We spent the remainder of July just making it through each day.  I am forever grateful that Bill and I were both off work and able to spend that time together just to hold onto and love each other.  It was exactly what we needed. 

-August- It was back to school for both of us.  As hard as it was, it was needed and it was comforting to find a new normal.

-September - On the 16th, we had a positive pregnancy test.  Oh my goodness! I was so excited, nervous, scared and everything in between ... Here we go with baby number 2.

-October - We had to say "See you later" to Bill's Grandpa.  It was a very hard loss especially after already losing his Dad.  Another moment that I'm so thankful we have each other to lean on as well as amazing family and friends.  We also got to see our baby #2 for the first time.

-Here we are back to November.  Celebrating Bill's 34th birthday.

I can't help but look back on November 14, 2015 and beam with pride. It was a dream come true for me!  After what I'd be through with Robert, there was a part of me that just kept questioning if this day would really happen. 

And it did .,.. Thank God! 

Photo credit to Valerie Cook.  She's amazing!! 

Just last week I went through every single one of our wedding pictures just to relive that day.  It was perfect in every way and the best part is .. at the end of the day WE WERE MARRIED! 

William - I love you more than life itself and thank God daily that I have you to love me for the rest of forever.  Last year, I couldn't imagine loving you more but seeing you through life's roller coaster this year has made my love for you grow enormously.  YOU are my happily ever after and MY prince who made my dreams come true.  

I will spend the rest of my days fighting for YOU! Happy 1st Anniversary!  Here's to many more with you by my side! Love you so much bigger! 

TEAM KENDYN

Yesterday, we participated in our first "A Walk to Remember" to remember all angel babies.  I didn't know what to expect as we were heading over there because I had never been to anything like this before. I was in awe at the amount of people who were at this walk.  It's amazing to see how many people that miscarriage and infant loss affects and how they all gather together to remember their babies year after year. 

Each family is given a pinwheel for each baby lost.  You can decorate and write on your pinwheel.  When your baby's name is called, you place your pinwheel in the "Garden of Dreams". Once the walk is over, that pinwheel is yours to take home.  

Different people spoke about losing their babies from a mother, father, and grandmother's point of view.  As Bill and I stood holding hands, I felt so comforted being surrounded by so many others going through the same emotions as we were.  Our loss is still so fresh in our mind and others are here who lost babies 15-20 years ago.  So powerful! 

Bill and I are SO lucky to have such a HUGE support team!  We were surrounded by many family members who joined us as TEAM KENDYN to walk together. After the balloon release to remember our babies, it was time to walk.  It was a 2 mile walk and it was so nice to just spend time together walking a talking. 

I wanted to share a poem from the closing reading that touched me.

"As I sit in heaven

 And watch you every day

I try to let you know with signs 

I never went away

I hear you when you're laughing 

And watch you as you sleep

I even place my arms around you 

To calm you as you weep

I see you wish the days away

Begging to have me home

So i try to send you signs

So you know you are not alone

Don't feel guilty that you have

Life that was denied to me

Heaven is truly beautiful

Just you wait and see

So live your life, laugh again,

Enjoy yourself, be free

Then I know with every step you take

You'll be taking one for me"

We all left and went to lunch together meeting up with my Grandma and two aunts.  It was such a fun day spent with family remembering our sweet little girl. We all had such a great time together. 

Bill and I will be back every year as a way to honor Kendyn as well as all babies whose lives on earth were too short! 

Carry Your Cross

I'm not sure I've ever expressed just how much I love our church as well as our Pastor.  His homily this week spoke volumes to me.  It went a little something like this: 

"Jesus asked that we always put him first.  He should come before our family, friends, and possessions. Of course, he wants us to love one another, but as long as we keep him first, we will be living the life he chose for us.  He also shares that just because we're following him does not mean the walk will always be easy.  There will be hard times, but we must carry our cross and continue to follow him. It's easy to follow Him when times are easy, but we really live our faith when we continue to follow him in the hard times."

Wow!  I sat there listening and looking back on my own life and almost burst into tears right there in church.  I feel like in my life (especially the last 10 years) I've tried my best to carry the crosses that have been handed to me. Through the loss of my Dad, Robert, and Kendyn, I've clung to my Faith to help get me through. During my "why me" moments, I must also remember that everyone has their own crosses to carry; although they may be very different than mine. 

We should be thankful for the good times as well as the hard times because through them both, we show our love for Jesus.  

I've had my share of hard times, yes; however, I've also had my share of wonderful times. After all, I do have this amazing man standing beside me through it all.  He has helped to bring me closer to my faith.  

Hilary Scott and Family have released a CD and I am in LOVE!

"Love Remains" is a favorite. 

"A boy moves on take a bride
And she stands faithful by his side
Through tears and sweat
They build a home
And raise a family of their own
And they share joy
And they share pain
But through it all, love remains"

Bill and I have shared joy and pain and through it all our love for each other as well as our love for Jesus still remains.  

God is amazing and there's so much hope in his love!  We just must be willing to love him in the good times and the bad times. Always be willing to carry your cross!

Planning a Funeral .. instead of a Nursery

It's painful for me to write this knowing that I never took the time to announce our excitement when we found out on March 24 that we were expecting a baby.  

Bill and I were elated to see a positive pregnancy test and to know that we were going to have the joy of becoming parents,  After some cramping in the beginning, I began to worry that we wouldn't make it through. We were able to see our precious baby moving around inside of me during our 10 week ultrasound, and when we met with the doctor for the first time she said, "well, looks like your other ovary is working!" and she sounded so excited.

At 14 weeks, the doctor was able to find the heartbeat right away and it sounded so strong.  I was beginning to think that we were getting to the safe zone of pregnancy. 

On Friday, June 17, we had the joy of finding out this baby was a GIRL!  Bill was so proud that he was right, and I was SO excited to have the joy of having a daughter of my own.  At this point, at almost 16 weeks, I was starting to allow myself to get excited that this dream of becoming a mother was really going to come true.  

At 17 weeks, we headed to Disney World with Jen and Chris.  This was my first experience there, and Bill and I were thrilled to use Minnie to help us announce to the world that we were having a girl. We couldn't wait to get that picture taken, so everyone could find out. I still didn't want to buy too much of anything while we were down there because there was something inside of me that kept asking, "what if she's not still a girl at our next appointment", so we just ended up buying her one stuffed animal. 

We went to the dr. at 18 weeks and 2 days.  Besides gaining a few pounds (thanks to vacation), everything looked great.  The doctor found her heartbeat right away and it was soo strong.  The appointment seemed easy, and I even made that comment to the dr.  Her response was, "they do seem easy when everything is healthy.  Keep doing what you're doing."  This was so reassuring to me to know that losing 87 lbs had led me to having a healthy pregnancy.  I never dreamed I would hear those words come from a doctor, and it was a moment of pride for me to know that all the hard work with weight watchers was worth it because out of this, we were going to get our own precious baby girl.  


Then comes 19 weeks 5 days ... 
It all started as a normal day.  We'd been to the Y to workout, went to school to hang posters and try to get my room ready, and back home just to relax.  I was getting ready to take a shower when I noticed something wasn't right (I will spare you the details). I immediately called Bill into the room and made a phone call to the doctor's office. They decided to have me come to the office instead of straight to the ER because I wasn't quite 20 weeks.  Unfortunately, my doctor was on vacation, so I had to see her partner.  He was very nice and handled it well, but it just isn't the same as seeing your own doctor especially when I'd been through so much with her within the last year...

I was "diagnosed" with cervical incompetence and sent straight to the OB floor to basically go through the process of labor and deliver our precious girl.  The first nurse comes in asking many questions.  Do you want to see her?  Do you want to hold her?  Do you want to name her? Do you know what funeral home to use? Here are some options .... THAT is very hard to wrap your head around.  

Sitting in the hospital room waiting was very hard for me.  I didn't know what to do, what to expect, or even what to think.  

I was given that option to take a pill to help speed up the process of labor which I took. About 9:45 pm, I was given a pill to swallow to help this process get started.  I was unaware how fast anything would happen and still didn't even have an IV or anything. Within 15 minutes, I began having contractions, so I called for pain meds.  The first nurse came to start an IV .. two attempts of poking and digging ... nothing.  She left to get someone else .. 

Contractions are still happening fairly close together ... the second nurse comes in to start an IV ... two attempts of poking, digging, and trying to tell me to relax at a point that I really couldn't ... and ... nothing.  She left to go get someone else. 

I got up and began walking around.  I was in pain, annoyed, hungry (because I was on a clear liquid diet) and this baby wasn't waiting.  It was GO time.  I told Bill, he called the nurses, and in they came.  

After some struggles and no pain meds, our precious Kendyn Kathryn Miller was born at 11:08 pm. She was such a perfect and precious little baby.  I'm amazed at the sight of her perfect little features from her nose to her ears to her finger nails.  My heart was so full of love and sadness all wrapped up into one moment.  Here we are, Bill and I, able to lay eyes on this precious miracle of ours.  This is a child that came from us ... that we created together.  She had a Roe mouth and a Miller head.  I just love her soooo much.  It's a moment of pride to show off your own child and a moment of heartbreak to know it will be so short lived. 

Kendyn was a fighter.  Her little heart continued to beat for about an hour and a half.  We had her in the room the entire time showing her as much love as we could in that little time we had her with us.  I just wanted to stare at her.  This precious miracle that made me a Mom. 

I'm still so very sad that I'm not sure the exact time her heart stopped beating, and I can't even say for sure that I was the one holding her at that moment.  What I do know is that she was in the arms of someone who loved her dearly, and that's all that matters. 

We were able to take pictures of her thanks to Chrissy and our phones.  For now, Bill and I are choosing to keep those pictures as our own.  We have shared some with close friends and family, but we don't feel these are pictures we want the "world" to see.

They took her from us when I was taken downstairs for a D&C.  When I came back to the room (at 2:30 am), we were asked if we wanted her back with us.  We said no and tried to sleep for a little bit.  We were up by 5 and Bill and I were able to have another hour with our precious girl before we had to say "goodbye for now". 

It was at 5am, we were asked to make a decision about a funeral home.  How do you even begin to decide?  They gave us options .. and we just chose one.  

Leaving that hospital was hard.  The hardest thing I've done in my entire 30 years on this earth.  Here we are walking out with a box of "things" while our precious girl is there ... 

20 minutes after arriving home, we get a call from the funeral home wanting to meet with us. I was not prepared for that, but deep down, I knew it was what needed to be done.  

That brings us to today .. Monday.  We have planned a funeral for our daughter and chose a final resting place for her body. This is NOT what we should be doing right now ... I mean we just bought a crib less than a week ago and put it together to begin planning her nursery. 

Her service is planned for Thursday.  Bill and I have decided to keep it small just for family.  We treasure this precious life that we were given and want to celebrate her with our closest family members at our side. 

The best part about her burial plot is that from there you can see the ball diamonds that my siblings and I used to play on as children and where my Dad served on the Northwest Baseball Board.  I just can't help but think of my Dad while being there.  That helps ease the pain...

At this time, Bill and I are coping with this as best we can. I am so very thankful to have him by my side to walk this path with me. As horrible as this situation is, it is making our marriage stronger and that is important to us.  We both know that we must rely on each other to get through these tough times. 

I also try to remain as positive as I can.  I feel like in just 30 years on this earth, my life has had it's share of road blocks, but I am still here today to speak of them.  I have no other choice but to keep moving forward. 

I told Bill yesterday that we are blessed.  Blessed because there are some couples who are unable to even create a child.  Bill and I were able to create this precious girl that we spent about at total of 3 hours with.  She is beautiful and we were able to see parts of each other in her.  We feel blessed that God allowed us to have time with her. 

We also find comfort in knowing that Kendyn is being well taken care of in Heaven.  She has two Grandpas who I can only believe were jumping at the chance to get their hands on her.  They will love her and snuggle her along with many, many, MANY other loved ones who have made it to Heaven before us.  

Kendyn is the lucky one.  She only had to spend mere hours in this world before she was given the best blessing of all by going to spend eternity with Jesus.  That is comforting and knowing that we will see her again someday.  

I will hold your hand so close to my heart until we meet again, My Sweet Girl! 

10 Years

I can't even believe that I am writing this ..... but ... today marks 10 years since my Dad left his earthly home and gained his Angel Wings.  A whole decade .. 

Our last Christmas Picture all together

As a young 30 year old, I have officially spent one third of my life on this earth without my Dad along side me. There's days it seems like forever since I've seen him, and there's days that it only feels like yesterday.  

No one can even begin to explain the pain of losing a parent especially at the young age of 53. Heart disease is real, and it's this ugly, painful disease that took the life of a husband, father, brother, uncle and VERY proud grandfather. 

I have spent the last weeks reminiscing about my Dad and all the great times we had together.  Some of my greatest memories of him are:
-Him laying on the ground in the backyard because our cat had ran under the shed.  Mom looks out the window and sees him on the ground and immediately screams "RICHARDDDDDDDD", she thought something had happened.  Actually, he was just trying to save the family cat. 
-Eating Peanut Butter with a spoon out of the jar while sitting with his legs crossed "cackling" at some tv show.
-His pride a joy of the Oldwieler Family Farm. If you didn't know, you would've thought this man was born and bred a farmer.  Nothing made him happier than using his vacation time from work to help in the fall and spring on the farm.  Give that man a tractor and an open field and he is at peace.  (I can only imagine him with his own farm in Heaven.  That is exactly what he would want)
-Weekly phone calls while in college.  You better believe Dad would call me when there was a storm that could possibly hit Jacksonville.  I wouldn't have to watch the news because he would always inform me of the approximate time of arrival.  Of course, if it was during farming season, he'd be calling to check the weather, so he'd know what to expect before it made it to Decatur. 
-His love for the State Fair.  Every year we would visit the state fair during the hottest time of August.  Most years he'd struggle walking at times, but you better believe we had to go.  He loved going, and nothing was going to stop him. 
-His love of people.  Dad knew someone EVERYWHERE he went, and if he knew them, he would talk to them.  Quick trips to the store were never "quick" if you took Dad, and he ran into someone (or everyone) that he knew. He was such a people person.
-His dedication to his job.  Dad was always working.  Whether he was on vacation, at home, at Grandma's, or even IN the hospital. He definitely fits what I would call a "workaholic".
-His love for "new" cars.  Most of the time, these cars weren't brand new, but they were new to him.  Whenever he'd get a wild hair, he would go cruise through the car lots to see what kind of deals he could find.  There was one time that he bought a newer van for Mom and a newer car for Amy in the same day!  Why not buy two cars in one day if the price is right?  ha! 
-Most of all, Dad was a dedicated family man.  I can honestly say my Mom, siblings, and I were extremely lucky to have a man that had such a deep and caring love for his family.  He worked hard to provide for us, would give the shirt off of his back if we needed anything, and supported us through all of life's endeavors.  He was the proud Dad on the side lines (or doing the score book) at the sporting events.  He just loved family time. 

Every year without him has had it's tough moments.  After all, in the blink of an eye, we were left to take on this world without him.  

This past year was one of the hardest for me.  Every girl dreams of the day her Dad gets to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day as well as the long-lived Father-Daughter Dance.  Sadly, that dream of mine was unable to come true.  Instead of walking me down the aisle, I carried my bouquet with a precious picture of him attached. Thankfully, my sister and I were lucky enough have our 2 brothers stand in his place.  That was the 2nd best, but I'd give anything to go back in time and be able to have the moment with my father

. 

Looking back on these 10 years, life has changed soooo much!  Our family has grown, and grown, AND  GROWN!  In these 10 years, Dad has gained a daughter-in law, 3 son-in-laws (I just have to include Robert, because I know they're enjoying their time together now), 1 granddaughter, 1 more grandson, and another granddaughter on the way!  Wow, has this family changed. 

Dad would be so proud of each and every one of us.
-Mom - for finding her way through life.  It definitely hasn't been an easy road, but she's found a way to keep this family together and happy.  
- the 4 of us kids for finding our way through life.  It isn't easy, but we all seem to work our way through each and every day. 
-I know that with his love of sports he finds his way to the side lines of Dylan and Jacob's football games cheering them on, he's also beaming with pride for Brynzlee and Landon as well.  

We have him and our Mom to thank for creating such a large, loving and wonderful family!  I strive to carry on his legacy through each and every day.

1985

1990

1995

2002

Thank you, Dad for creating our family, for loving us and supporting us.  I know I will see you again one day right through the gates of Heaven and I just know we'll hear how the weather has been since you've been there. 

I strive to carry on the Roe tradition! 

Never take life for granted! 

Ode to 2015

So I may be a few days late with my annual "year in review" blog, but I wanted to make sure I took the time to document what was one of the all time best years of my life! 

As 2015 started, Bill and I were continuing to attend weekly meetings at our church.  Bill made the decision to join the Catholic Church in the fall of 2014.  I agreed to be his sponsor which meant we had to attend a meeting almost every week from October to April. I wasn't looking forward to it at the beginning and was just seeing it as "one more thing" to do; however, it was, hands down, one of the best things that we could've done together.  We both learned so much, and it was such a great way to grow together in our spiritual lives.  God definitely placed that path in our life for a reason. 

February 4 was just another day until that evening ... Bill came over and PROPOSED ... on a Wednesday!  How exciting to be planning a wedding! 

In April/May, Bill and I began house hunting. We were looking for that perfect place we could call our own.  After looking at quite a few houses (thanks to a phenomenal realtor Lesley), we found the house! 

We closed in late May, spent a weekend painting two rooms, and (thanks to family) moved in and spent our first night here on June 6.  

As teachers, we both enjoyed our summer off!  It was time to get settled into the house and WEDDING plan!  I'm so thankful to have that time off to get so many wedding projects done. 

August - Bill and I became God parents to our sweet nephew, Landon! 

Mom and I have been going to Weight Watchers since March of 2014.  In August, I hit 75 lbs!  Such a huge milestone! 

Right before going back to school, I found out I would be having surgery to remove a rather large cyst on my ovary which ended up being the entire ovary.    You should've seen my mouth drop when the doctor told me I would have to be off of work for 4-6 weeks. Cue - crazy, freak out teacher mode. Thankfully, I found the PERFECT sub and my kinders were in great hands.  I had many sleepless nights and worried so much about this surgery and being away from my classroom, but God was in control and it all worked out just fine. 

Surgery was scheduled two days after my bridal shower.  Talk about a weekend of highs and lows.  The shower was wonderful!  It's so great to see soo many people you love all in one room to celebrate you!  What a great time! 

Then November came.  The month that I was looking forward to all year long!  Our wedding weekend was here .. and we were both here to celebrate.  After what I experienced with my sweet Robert in 2012, I had many, many fears awaiting this wedding weekend.  I just hoped and prayed and prayed some more that Bill and I would live to see our wedding day and be able to begin our happily ever after.  God is GREAT!  With so many loved ones by our side, we had our wedding day and it was just perfect.. and best of all ... we're MARRIED!  I can finally say that I have a HUSBAND, and it feels great!  

We finished off the year with Thanksgiving and Christmas which means time spent with family and friends.  There's no better way to end the year

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2015 was such a phenomenal year!  Looking forward to what 2016 brings!  

Happy New Year (even if I'm a few days late)...